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Title: Grievances of the Straight Man
Summary: It’s not easy being the only non-gay guy in the Super Junior dorms. No one can fathom to what extent poor Shindong suffers in his everyday life.
A/N: For the sake of this fic, I am basing Yewook’s behavior on their Dangerous Friendship mini drama. Creative license and all, ne?
Looking back, Yewook’s behavior in the Dangerous Friendship mini drama is incredibly OOC, but I suppose it works for the fic
Shindong believes that many a Super Junior fangirl would kill (a scary, but disturbingly plausible theory) to take his place- the prospect of living with nine other admittedly good-looking men day in and day out is that appealing. He frankly doesn’t think it’s a great idea though. There is the general messiness and overall chaos that comes with residing in a male dormitory to take into consideration after all. Then again, perhaps the mindblowing-ness of being surrounded by all things Super Junior would make everything else pale in comparison.
However, the typical clutter of their home away from home is not exactly why Shindong would advise against staying there. The main downside of dwelling in the Super Junior dorms has less to do with clothing and accessories haphazardly tossed over the furniture and more to do with the fact that his group members are, in socially correct terms, intimately involved with one another (see, some people don’t like the phrase “fucking each other”).
These first two paragraphs are rather awkward and wordy, and I vaguely recall having difficulty describing why the dorms are inhabitable (since I’ve no personal experience with guys’ living conditions).
No, wait. That might actually be more of an incentive for the E.L.F.s to want to be in his shoes.
I think that now I prefer to write ELF instead of E.L.F. And isn’t it funny that we don’t call ourselves Elves as a whole? XD
But that’s beside the point. Shindong is neither female nor that big a slash fan, so living with a bunch of couples is not his idea of a utopia. It’s not to say that he disapproves of the relationships; far from that, Shindong is probably their biggest supporter (and maybe their most active fanboy). It’s just that a position as the eternal bystander can be incredibly tiresome and mentally scarring at times.
Frankly, I believe living with even just one couple is not a utopia. Utopia? What an odd word choice.
In fairness, he’s not sure if Siwon and Kibum are together or if they are even gay. The same goes for Zhou Mi and Henry. Since the majority of Super Junior seems to bat for the other team, Shindong finds it easier to just pair them up anyway. The fans do it all the time, so why can’t he?
My own personal opinion. I don’t actually ship Sibum or Zhoury, but it’s just convenient to have them together when necessary since they’re kinda left over.
Back to the main topic- being the fifteenth wheel is not a bucketful of sunshine and daisies; it involves putting up with a lot of things. Take the fishy couple, for example. Their fanservice-y antics that cause the girls to scream? Peanuts compared to the loving abuse they dish out offstage. Shindong can never properly enjoy his breakfast because he’s too busy picking Beijing fried rice out of his hair as Donghae and Eunhyuk bombard each other with any food product within reach before reconciling over a shared carton of strawberry milk (which leads one to wonder why Eunhyuk is on the 12th floor in the first place). During rehearsals, they nitpick each other’s dancing technique and then hold spontaneous “private extra training” before Shindong can even set foot out of the practice studio. And that’s not to mention the amount of slappage, shoving, kicking, etc. (all of which somehow inevitably leads to hugs and closed bedroom doors) multiplies tenfold once the cameras are off.
Tried to make this section a bit longer since they’re numbuh_009’s bias. My goodness, I sure made them out to be quite immature…
Shindong has to admit that the whole situation with the members in the dorms was fun at first. Observing their initial dancing around one another (both literally and figuratively) had been amusing, and it was a blast cooking up various schemes to get them together. Heck, their actions the first few weeks post-hook up were even adorable. But then the realization that he would have to bear with all the sickeningly sweet lovey-dovey (in its own way) behavior for the many years to come hit him like a wad of Eunhyuk’s used socks (as in it was one of the most traumatic eureka moments in his life).
At one particularly engaging party, he’d made the mistake of, in his inebriated state, lamenting his woes to Hankyung and Heechul who were seated the closest to him. The next thing he knew, he was waking up in the elevator leading to their dorms without a single stitch of clothing on and nursing a splitting headache. Sprawled, albeit somewhat cramped, beside him were the second and third oldest members of Super Junior, equally hungover and also wearing their birthday suits. None of them could remember the events of the previous nine hours (which, in retrospect, is probably for the best), but Hankyung was unable to look him in the eye for the rest of the week and Heechul had to be excused from the day’s activities due to his mysterious inability to walk. Shindong now takes care not to drink alone with just the two of them, and they with him (though the incident hasn’t stopped Hankyung and Heechul from holding their own drinking sessions with each other).
In my mind, a threesome did indeed take place. SO WEIRD O.o I wonder how they didn’t get caught by the security guards/the members/other tenants. And for some reason, waking up naked in an elevator sounds like it could be the plot for a cliché yaoi manga.
Surprisingly enough, fuzzy drunken possible one-night stands are the least of Shindong’s troubles. See, it is common knowledge that Kangin, Siwon, and Kibum live in their respective places. What the E.L.F.s don’t know is that Super Junior’s resident strong man pays regular nightly to everyone’s favorite leader. Actually, Shindong didn’t know either. He had the misfortune of stumbling onto the truth during a midnight run to the toilet in which he discovered Leeteuk demonstrating his flexibility over the sink. That marked the first of many nights Shindong has had to brave through in resisting the urge to relieve himself (if Kangin and Leeteuk were using this bathroom, who knew what was going on downstairs?). Super Junior member dies from exploded bladder.Shindong has no idea if such a thing is possible, but what a headline that would make.
Yay for bathroom sex. I even looked on Google to see if your bladder exploding was possible (apparently not- your body will automatically relieve itself).
In addition to holding it in, Shindong has also taken to wearing earplugs to sleep. He read somewhere that prolonged use can lead to bacteria growth and other issues with the ear canal, but he can care less. He will take the risk of infection as long as he doesn’t have to listen to Sungmin and Kyuhyun arguing from the floor below about who would top and then proceeding to get on with it (whoever designed the building deserves several kicks to where the sun don’t shine). It’s quite easy the next morning to guess who won (for the record, the number of times Sungmin cheerfully strums away at his guitar greatly outweighs the number of instances in which a smug Kyuhyun is at his snarkiest), but Shindong would gladly trade the simplicity of predicting the outcome for a good few hours of much needed rest.
I read an article a long time ago about how having earphones for an extended amount of time can lead to a lot of bacteria in your ears O.o The ‘where the sun don’t shine’ part…I think I read it in some DracoxOC fic a very long long time ago (I’m ashamed of myself, considering how much I despise OCs now). And this was inclined towards MinKyu since numbuh_009 likes it (I personally don’t care who tops).
Of all the couples, Shindong finds it the easiest to deal with Yesung and Ryeowook even though they are the most openly affectionate of the group (their roles in the Dangerous Friendship mini drama really didn’t involve much acting). Shindong doesn’t even mind when they are the only two (three, if one counted Ddangkkoma) who join him in the living room for a movie night. Of course, more often than not, they can only last through the opening credits before resorting to giggling, feeding each other candy, snuggling, and playing with the turtle. However, trial and error has proven that if he banishes Yesung and Ryeowook to one end of the couch (and no, their synchronized pouting and protesting will not convince him otherwise), takes command of the other end, turns up the volume, and stares straight ahead, he can watch the film in relative peace. Plus, he gets the popcorn to himself, so that’s a bonus.
I miss Ddangkkoma… *wibbles*
All in all though, Shindong loves his fellow members regardless of their many, many faults (and they do indeed have several) and tendencies to unleash their horniness in the strangest and most inconvenient of places. It is a part of who they are, and Shindong accepts it, just like he accepts that it is impossible and nigh inconceivable for him to go for longer than a week without witnessing a non-fanservice kiss or walking in on a couple doing the horizontal naked dance (well, not necessarily horizontal or naked). Super Junior is Super Junior, and he wouldn’t trade this highly dysfunctional family for any other in the world.
Horizontal naked dance (HND) is what I believe is a reference to Sparklife, which I got from numbuh_009. And when I hear dysfunctional family, I think of the Rikkai team from Prince of Tennis (random: I read this dj where Akira was saying how Alpha Pair were his parents, Yanagi and Bunta and Platinum Pair were his older brothers…and Jackal was a baldy XD)
At least, that’s what Shindong thinks until he enters his room and finds that his bed is currently occupied by the manager and some random guy.
The last line is probably my only favorite part of this fic.